Done Wondering
by AVikingandhisHeartbrokenQueen
Summary: Jessica stays after hours at Fangtasia hoping to get some advice from Pam. It turns into an emotional night for Pam.


I would like to thank Courtney(soundtracktoakillingspree) for helping and edit this mess. And Jessie(hogwatsabbey) for dealing with my crazy rambles.

Set during the year Sookie went missing.

Jessica was hanging out at Fangtasta after closing hours trying to come up with the nerve to ask Pam something, but all Jessica was doing was pissing Pam off.

"Why are you still here, Cheeto? Shouldn't you be at home humping that lumberjack instead of annoying me?"

Jessica smirked, "I just thought you could use the company while you closed up."

"Well, I don't. So..bye," Pam said, flashing Jessica a fake smile.

Eric walked into the bar area from the back room carrying a bunch of books, "Why are you still here? I thought you had a boring human at home to annoy."

Jessica choice to ignore the jabs both Pam and Eric seemed to be taking at Hoyt, "I thought Pam would like the company while she cleaned up."

"She wants to talk about something but hasn't mustered up the guts to tell me what it is," Pam told Eric.

"Ah."

"I'm sorry. It just hard to say out loud right now," Jessica said while she ripped up the napkin she'd been fidgeting with.

"Excuse you!" Pam yelled. "I am trying to clean up here," snatching the napkin from Jessica's hands.

"I'm sorry. It's just…you're kinda scary…but also the only female vampire I know."

Eric chuckled, "I'm sure whatever problem you have, Pamela will be glad to help."

"Eric. What the fuck."

Jessica waved her hands around, "I'm still right here, Pam."

Pam sighed, "What the hell do you need help with?" she asked in a bored tone.

Jessica shifted in her chair. "Well…um..."

"I suggest you spit it out, Red. She will walk away from you," said Eric

Jessica took a deep breathe, "The other day I was at work and Arlene came in with her new baby and it got me thinking; I'm never going to be able to have children. What if Hoyt wants kids one day?"

Eric felt Pam flinch through their bond as well as physically, but Jessica was completely oblivious. Pam shook it off and squinted at Jessica, "And?"

"Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to have a kid?"

Pam started wiping down the bar, "I don't have to wonder."

Jessica's eyes widened and she smiled, "Really? You had a kid?"

"Yes," Pam responded while violently shoving trash into a garbage bag.

"Pamela." Eric said with concern.

"I'm fine!" she yelled, throwing the garbage bag to the floor. She stood in the middle of the bar with her hand on the forehead while trying to calm down and trying not to rip Jessica's head off.

Jessica looked a little hesitant, "Pam…I didn't mean to upset you. Maybe I should go..."

Pam quickly made her way towards Jessica, "No, no. You need to hear this." Pam smiled at Jessica, causing Jessica to smile back. "You are so naive.." Pam murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing," she quickly said and sat down next to Jessica, "You know, kids aren't all that great. They cry, throw up on you, and always pooping around the clock." Pam patted Jessica's hand. "You're not missing much," Pam started to get up when Jessica pulled her back down.

"But I'll never get to experience being pregnant," she blurted out in a panic.

"That's not that great either," Pam was finally able to rip Jessica's hands off her and started working on cleaning glasses.

"What's it like?" Jessica asked as she put her elbows on the bar, chin in her hands, her face filled with hope.

"Painful," Pam said sharply.

Jessica frowned, "Really?"

"Yup. Being seventeen, a hooker, and pregnant before modern medicine wasn't exactly fun."

"A hooker?"

"Does little miss Christian have a problem with that?"

"You should probably be careful with what you say," Eric sang from the end of the bar.

"No. No problem," Jessica answered quickly.

Pam continued, "Well, I cried a lot. Got fat, puked the entire time. Morning sickness my ass." Pam paused to point angrily at Jessica, "Not to mention the birth itself. Trust me, after ten hours you'll lose the will to live."

"But at least you get a baby after all that pain!" Jessica yelped to make the situation less tense.

Pam scrunched her face, "Yeah, yeah I guess. Especially when your boss tells you to smother you new born baby because the last thing a brothel needs is a baby."

"Pam," Eric moved to comfort Pam.

"I'm okay. It was a long time ago"

Jessica suddenly felt guilty, "I'm sorry for bring this all up. I'm sorry your boss made you smother your baby."

Both Pam and Eric looked at Jessica in disbelief.

"She didn't kill her!" Eric yelled

"Jesus Christ, Cheeto! What kind of person do you think I am?!"

Jessica struggled to speak, "You two aren't exactly what I call all telling. It's sometimes hard to read you guys!" She shrugged, "I'm sorry."

"Please stop saying that," Pam snapped

Eric walked over to Pam and whispered, "I don't think you should continue with this talk."

"I told you I'm alright." Eric backed off, but stood close to Pam.

Jessica cleared her throat, "So what did happen to the baby?"

"I didn't kill her. Much to your disappointment," Pam glared at Jessica.

Jessica was going to apologize again but stopped herself. "You had a girl?" Jessica asked, practically swooning.

"Yes," Pam smiled. A real smile. "Her name was Fiona."

"Aw" Jessica giggled, "That's such a beautiful name."

Pam sat next to Jessica again and Eric stood behind her for support. "After deciding to not smother my new born child," Pam paused, stopping to roll her eyes at Jessica, "I snuck out and left her on the steps of a nearby church. I left a letter telling the nuns her name and that I would be giving the money every month to help them rise her." When Pam looked up she say the look of pity in Jessica eyes and it pissed her off, "Don't look at me like that! I would of been a terrible mother. She wouldn't of made past her first birthday."

Jessica started to panic, "Pam I wasn't-"

Pam shot up from her seat, "You need to leave. Now."

"Pam, I'm -"

"You heard her, Jessica," Eric's voice echoed in the empty bar causing Jessica to jump. "Leave."

Jessica gathered her things and sped out knowing full well that if she said she was sorry one more time Pam would rip her heart out.

Pam sat back down and placed her arms and head on the bar top. Eric sat next to her and waited until her was ready to talk. "I don't know why I told her about Fiona," she said quietly.

"You told her because you like her more than you want to admit," Eric said with a low laugh.

"She kind of reminds me of her, you know."

"How so?"

"It's the red hair. Fiona had three strands of hair when she was born but they were red. And her hair got redder as she got older." Pam paused, "Fiona was also annoyingly sweet like Jessica."

"I think you would of been a great mother... in your own unique way." Eric confessed.

"In my own unique way?"

"Yeah. A great mom."

"You don't know that!" Pam snapped

"Actually, I do," Eric said, straightening up in his chair.

Pam started to look more visibly upset, "Hh, really? Care to enlighten me, Eric Northman?"

"Well, Pamela Swynford de Beaufort-"

"Eric, I'm not really in the mood for your sass!"

"Sorry. But you would of been a great mother. Actually, you are. A great mother."

Pam crossed her arms, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You gave up your daughter just hours after giving birth to her. You gave Fiona her best chance."

Pam rolled her eyes, "Shut up, Eric. Since when are you this lame?" She got up from her seat to started walking to the door to leave the bar and this whole emotional night behind.

"I'm serious, Pamela." Eric followed her to the door. "She lived a long and happy life. She got married to that nice doctor guy. Andrew. Remember when we checked him out?"

That brought a smile to her face. "Yeah, he was a bit of a dork. It was fun to scare the crap out of him."

"And you even paid for their wedding."

Pam stomped her foot, "but I wasn't there when she needed me the most! I wasn't there when she woke up in the middle of the night because she had a terrible nightmare or was afraid of the dark. I wasn't there to kiss her scraped knee or to tell her how proud I was of her." At this point Pam was sobbing.

"She needed me and I just left her on the steps of a church."

Eric grabbed her face and wiped her tears.

"I hate children! Why am I crying?!"

"I know, my love," Eric kissed her tear stained cheek. "But you loved her."

"Yeah."


End file.
